The Boulder Escapade

In the late summer, Laurie and I came to the decision to redo the backyard. When I moved into my house on Bluefox - I had a twenty-year plan to get the backyard into shape. After a few years of frustration - I bit the bullet and hired a landscaper (the same one who had done my front yard) to do the back. Within a week - my yard was in the baby stages of the end plan. At last, instead of fighting weeds and struggling to redo a portion of the yard, it was all done. This head start provided me with many years of enjoyment instead of many years of hard labor.

Fast forward to moving here and I am no longer as capable as I was at forty - so even though the space is one-quarter of the size I had on the north side - I was looking once again at a twenty-year plan without the desire and wherewithal to make it happen. So we decided to hire a landscaper (the same one I used all those years ago). With a plan in mind and some feedback from Karen, we were on our way to completing the new twenty-year plan.

One of the features we wanted was a couple of boulders but we nixed them from the quote - the cost was outrageous. Then I came up with a plan. I knew where to find two boulders - in the front yard of my former home on Bluefox. I told Laurie if we went in the middle of the night - after midnight and wore all black - we could have those boulders in the back of her SUV and home without any cost - except a few hours of sleep.

Sitting around brainstorming - Laurie said we needed to wear something unusual - not just black clothes and a balaclava.  She suggested we wear costumes - because honestly - she wanted to wear this gorilla suit she had purchased and never worn. I agreed that she could wear her costume. She then brought up the possibility that her gimpy leg might prevent her from helping me carry the boulders. This is when my brother Russ was conscripted to join in the escapade. 

At first, Russ thought we were kidding, and he laughed. When he realized we were sincere, he got serious. “It’s about time,” he said. “I told you to take those boulders when you moved. They were ranch rocks and should be with someone from the ranch!” He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. Drawing a rough layout of the street, he marked the page with Xs and *s - whispering our movements and directing our steps. We were soon in business.

The following Friday night, we drove to the neighborhood. Russ parked around the corner and we quietly exited the vehicle. Crouching on the corner behind the large juniper shrub we scoped the house for any cameras. The door was intact - no peephole just as it was when I lived there. We checked the frame, the corners, and the fence. No cameras in sight. Searching the neighborhood, all the houses were dark. We were good to go.

Crouching low, we scooted down the sidewalk until we were standing in front of my former home. I looked up to the house on the left to make sure the windows were closed. They were. We looked at one another and nodded. It was “GO TIME”!

Our first rock was partially buried under the large juniper. I peeled back the branches to expose it and Russ reached down to pull it forward. In the dark, I failed to notice that I had disturbed a large funnel spider web. Russ was bent over about to lift the rock from the ground when I spotted the web and the spider on my sleeve.

What happened next was all my fault. I shrieked and began batting at the spider, trying to remove it from my person. In doing so, I let go of the juniper branches I was holding and they sprung back into place with force, catching Russ on the side of his head. His glasses went flying and in the dark, they were impossible to find. He started cursing as blood flowed from the gash above his eyebrow. 

Laurie, who was sitting on our second rock to the right was so startled, she fell backward onto the gravel below. Her legs kicked the air uselessly as she tried to right herself in the small space where she lay. In the meantime, I was dancing on the sidewalk, stripping off my shirt to remove the spider. Of course, I was screaming the whole time. Lights in the neighborhood began to come on. 

Russ legged it to the truck around the corner, I was right behind him. We left Laurie to fend for herself. If she stopped struggling to get up, she would be nearly invisible to the naked eye. I wasn’t sure she would. 

In the truck, Russ put the vehicle in neutral and we started rolling backward. Once we passed the alley, he started the truck. He made a U-turn and we headed to Uplands Blvd. Turning left, we drove past dark houses and then turned onto Bluefox Road and finally onto Bluefox Blvd. Parking across from the park, we watched the street before us, waiting fifteen minutes, then twenty without speaking. We were scouting for movement and to see if the police were called. 

When half an hour had passed and the neighborhood remained quiet, we drove to the corner and did another loop. As we passed the house, I was unable to ascertain whether Laurie was there or not. I could not see her feet flailing in the air. Had she managed to get up? Was she still there waiting for us? 

After our second pass, Russ pulled another U-turn and parked in our original spot. The two of us exited quietly and then crouching low, we made our way back to the house. Laurie was nowhere to be found. That worried me a little as we didn’t have a plan for what to do if we got separated. We hadn’t brought our phones to avoid any GPS tracking so she had no way of contacting us.

 

Russ and I got to work. First, we needed to find his glasses. It took ten minutes to find them, they had been thrown quite a distance. Checking them out, we were grateful they were in one piece, seemingly unscathed.

With his glasses back in place, Russ pulled back the juniper branches and I reached down and lifted the boulder out. He let go of the branches as he reached to take the rock off my hands. The thick boughs swung back and smacked me across my shins. I held my breath - I guess I deserved that. He hustled the boulder down the street to the truck, then scurried back for boulder number two. 

With the second boulder settled into the truck, Russ and I whispered about what to do. Laurie was out there in the city wearing a gorilla costume. She wasn’t capable of walking all the way home. We decided that maybe we should make a quick tour of the five houses - along the street by foot and then down the back alley. I ditched my balaclava and we climbed out of the truck.

Walking nonchalantly down the sidewalk, Russ scoped out the homes across the street, looking for any movement. I peered under shrubs and toward back gates. We saw nothing out of the ordinary. Down the side street, we kept close to the fenced yard of the house on the corner. There was no sidewalk here. At some point, Russ tried to jump up and check the backyard, so I offered to hoist him up so he could take a longer look. That was a bad idea. 

I cupped my hands together, and he placed his right foot into the stirrup. Knowing this wasn’t going to be easy for me when he added pressure, I lifted with my legs and literally threw him over the fence. Unprepared for the force of my help, he landed on his back with a great thud - on the other side of the fence.  

Stunned, I just stood there waiting for disaster to strike. Only silence prevailed. I finally asked Russ if he was okay. He whimpered that he thought maybe he’d put his back out. Oh great! Now what? I tiptoed to the alley looking for the gate. It seemed locked, or at least I couldn’t get it open. I was starting to cry when I heard a click and Russ pulled the gate open from his side. 

As he crab-walked out of the yard, stooped over holding his back with one hand, relief flooded me. At least I wasn’t going to have to carry him. I followed him past the next home and then we came to my former backyard. The first thing I noticed was the tree, my beautiful tree, the one I had planted because there were no trees when I moved in, was dead. Naked branches reached toward the night sky, silhouetted by the street light. I felt crushed and really sad that the people who bought my home had done nothing with the landscaping. The other tree was gone altogether. At that moment I felt tremendous self-righteousness in stealing my rocks back. How dare they. 

An unusual noise came from over the fence. I knew the trick to opening the back gate, so I did and slipped into the darkened lot. There, swinging on the jungle gym, was a gorilla! Silver-haired and grunting, it swung from one bar to the next, enjoying her freedom. I whistled low and the gorilla stopped moving. It dropped to the ground and then knucklewalked to my side. I heard her mumble something like - about time - as she slipped past me down the alley after Russ. The two of them looked quite the sight as they hobbled toward the truck. 

Inside the vehicle, Laurie pulled off her mask. She gave both of us a tongue-lashing for leaving her behind. I took her anger staring out the window until a giggle caught me off-guard. I tried to stop it but it bubbled out and soon, Russ was laughing and finally Laurie did too. Five minutes later, Russ started the vehicle and pulled onto the street. 

Traveling down Scenic Drive, the only vehicle in sight for miles, we relaxed. We had done it. Then, at the bottom of the hill, a car was backing out of the parking lot by the shooting range. As we passed by, the blue and red lights came on as the car pulled in behind us. Russ pulled over to the other lane and slowed his speed. I watched anxiously, worried that we had been caught when the cruiser zipped past us and away into the night. 

Home again, we unloaded the boulders and went our separate ways, a little the worse for wear, but happy that we had completed our mission. According to my old neighbors, they did notice the rocks were gone and had reported it to the police, who said they would keep a lookout. My hope is the police never think to check the former owner of the house. Keep positive thoughts for me - will you?