The World (In All Its Glory) Was In Bloom
By Leslie Johnson
It was long past Groundhog Day - when the world in all its glory was in bloom. I’m on an emotional roller coaster and right now, I’m madder than a wet hen.
First off, I caught the apple of my eye with his hand in the cookie jar. He has a face only a mother could love and it caught me off guard - again. Thankfully he wasn’t caught with his pants down. That would be a sight for sore eyes. He started giving me the old cock and bull story. How many times had I asked him to change his tune?
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!” Jack started. I cut him off at the pass.
“An Idle mind is the devil’s playground you imbecile. And the early bird gets the worm.”
“Another day and another dollar is another nail in my coffin.”
“Are you a man or a mouse?”
As luck would have it, we were interrupted. It was his mother who is built like a brick shithouse. As always, she was as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party. She batted her baby blues and said, “Can’t you see his back is against the wall. Give him a break, for crying out loud. He’s a babe in the woods not bad to the bone. Don’t send him back to the salt mines.”
She turned her attention to me. “I see you’re having a bad hair day.”
If she was trying to get a rise out of me, she was barking up the wrong tree. Even though it was not the eleventh hour, I could tell she was bombed - plastered - out of her gourd, three sheets to the wind. “Get a life.” I sneered. “I believe in calling a spade a spade. Your son sits around like a bump on the log most days. If I didn’t have a bun in the oven he wouldn’t need to burn the candle at both ends. But I am - so it’s business as usual.”
“Can it.” My husband interrupted. “Cry me a river, Jill. You can’t get blood from a stone if you catch my drift.”
His mother patted his cheek, “You’re a chip off the old block.”
“As usual, it’s pretty cut and dried - isn’t it.” I snapped. “That makes me chief cook and bottle washer.”
“Now cut that out!” My father-in-law, who’s a few fries short of a happy meal, shouted. “If you want him to do something, dangle a carrot in front of him. Don’t chew him out.”
“Shut up! You all drive me crazy! And you,” I said pointing at Jack, “Are a thorn in my side. A good man is hard to find.”
“Now dear,” my father-in-law interjected, “Seriously, it’s really as easy as pie.” He was firing on all cylinders now. We were heading for a Mexican standoff. I needed to cut to the chase.
“I think we got off on the wrong foot here.” I said. It was a good rule of thumb to give a glimmer of hope to a half baked idea. I was beginning to think I should cut bait and move on to greener pastures despite the creature growing like a weed in my belly. I’ve had it up to here with this Jack of all trades and master of none. Except I know which side my bread is buttered on! I live in the land of milk and honey.
A leopard cannot change his spots. It was time to let bygones be bygones and let sleeping dogs lie. My husband can be like a bull in a china shop but love is blind. There is more to him than meets the eye. And though we are as different as night and day - as chalk and cheese - he is my knight in shining armor. I guess there is no accounting for taste. Besides, there is no place like home. I decided to take another stab at it.
“I’m not asking you to work like a dog.” I ventured.
Jack replied “There’s more than one way to skin a cat, babe.”
“True, but there’s something fishy about that.”
“You’re tugging at my heartstrings, babe. I’m gonna turn on a dime here.”
“Are you yanking my chain?”
“Nope. I’ll do it - you can take that to the bank!”
You could have knocked me over with a feather. “One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure.” I hollered as Jack took the trash out.
